Friday, February 17, 2012

Moments are like Words - You can never take them back...

how do i begin this blog post? i've been trying to think of an eloquent opening sentence or some famous quotes that would really 'hit home' with how i've been feeling these past few days and what's stirring within my heart. it's just that this is such a unique, fleeting season i currently find myself in: home, waiting, expectant, alone a lot of the day, no big agenda or schedule, just me, baby girl, and Jesus. a party, really! I want to soak up this time like with every other moment of my pregnancy...even the illness was a comfort to me as it signaled LIFE growing inside of me. The fatigue (it's like no other!), the weight gain, the gentle 'flipping' sensation inside my womb that grew into little kicks, punches, and now greater, slower stretches that ripple across my belly as Baby Girl runs out of room. The nights of lying in the quiet stillness while my little one goes to town in rubbing her foot across my stomach like a windshield wiper, especially when i rub my belly in response to her movements. oh, the joys of waiting. it's been an experience like no other and it's only the beginning! What an adventure awaits! yet, like any other adventure or change, it represents both death and life. the death of an old way or season and the tender shoot of new things to come. When you walk down the aisle to receive your diploma, you bid adieu to grade school years; when you walk down the aisle to receive your spouse for life, you put to death the old way of singlehood; when you walk out of a doctor's office on a sunny afternoon with positive lab results, you must face the death of your former way of life when health was hardly given a passing thought. With every major transition in this journey we call 'life', there is always, always a death and a new life awaiting. It's just that simple. For each now season, there must be some obstacle or challenge with which we are forced to meet head on. For me, I mistakenly think that 'if only' I can get past this or get through this, then my life can begin. What a lie. This quote puts it well:

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin — real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. — Alfred D. Souza

lately, the Word has been more of a comfort & companion to me than in times past. i can't say i've been soaking it up for hours at a time as i know i could or should during this 'down time' in my life but i'm trying. i don't want to waste these moments, these days to facebook, to texting, to lolling around the house (even though i suppose some 'lolling around' is okay for a prego mama, right?! hehehe) or to anything that doesn't posess eternal value. i'm not saying fb, texting, etc are bad things, no. but i'm finding that these last few days of waiting on the glorious edge of something new - parenthood - are calling up within my soul a growing need to be filled with Him. I'm feeling increasingly desperate for Him and His Word. Thoughts wander to fear of the unknown. How will i react to labor? will it overcome me? will i give into sinful fear & panic? how will my baby be when born? healthy? OK? how will this major life change affect me spiritually, physically, emotionally? how will this affect Luke? our marriage? our lives? so many questions. so many emotions...excitement, bittersweet sense of life changing so drastically and never to be the same again, anticipation, a tinge of fear that I have to constantly battle against, ever ripening love for this active little one who is my constant companion and oh so dependant upon me for life, joy overflowing at God's gracious gift of children, anxiety over what kind of mom i will be (will i be a good one? a gracious one? Oh, Lord! Help!). I think you get the point.

There is just this feeling like i'm never going to get these moments, these days back again. Soon, I will have my child outside in this world and as the saying goes, 'my heart will go walking around outside of my body' for the rest of my life. and as God sees fit to bless us with more precious ones, that throbbing pain of love will be multiplied.

When we went on our honeymoon to Europe, the anticipation leading up to our trip and the memories we treasured afterwards were almost more precious and 'real' in my mind than the trip itself. does that sound weird or what?! but it's true. I think that's the way this life works...we look forward with such breath-holding excitement to the event on the near horizon and then we look back upon it with such nostalgic tenderness, a treasure in our memories. I believe that precious moments in life - getting that hard-earned degree amidst adoring family & friends, working hard at your occupation and receiving satisfaction from a job well done, realizing you are in love with your future mate, your wedding ceremony, seeing those two blue lines on a pregnancy test, bringing forth your first child, seeing your children come to know Jesus as their Savior, etc. are splashes of heaven for us to not only treasure here on earth but, more importantly, to birth within us a deep groaning, longing for our real HOME.

Time is a traveler. Where did it go? It left, but it didn't leave you empty handed. No! It left you with the gift of beautiful memories, that you can keep in your heart for safe keeping, to cherish forever and ever. — Jane Adams

It's sobering to think about: I, along with Luke, will be the primary means of embodying Jesus to watching little eyes, to a young impressionable soul. What a sobering thought, what a heavy responsibility, what a weighty joy, what a royal calling from the King of Kings. As i was pondering upon these thoughts this morning, I turned to Psalm 107. Each time, when God's people found themselves overcome by fear, sorrow, an overwhelming sense of desperation or weakness, God responded. He redeemed the pain, the sin, the sorrow. My heart strings struck a chord with this Psalm as I thought about my own weakness and dependency upon Jesus. Each time, He is faithful and 'will do it' (1 Thess. 5:24). He will meet you & me every step of the way in life, no matter what season we may find ourselves in. Below are some beautiful quotes I found regarding motherhood:

On receiving a third little one into her home, Katy, the main character of the Christian Classic, Stepping Heavenward, says: "I shall now have one mouth the more to fill, and two feet the more to shoe; more disturbed nights, more laborious days, and less leisure for visiting, reading, music, and drawing. Well! this is one side of the story, to be sure, but I look at the other. Here is a sweet, fragrant mouth to kiss; here are two more feet to make music with their pattering about my nursery. Here is a soul to train for God, and the body in which it dwells is worthy all it will cost, since it is the abode of a kingly tenant. I may see less of friends, but I have gained one dearer than them all, to whom, while I minister in Chist's name, I make a willing sacrifice of what little leisure for my own recreation my other darlings had left me. Yes, my precious baby, you are welcome to your mother's heart, welcome to her time, her strength, her health, her tenderest cares, to her life-long prayers! Oh, how rich I am, how truly, how wondrously blest!" ( Stepping Heavenward, p. 240)

"The formative period for building character for eternity is in the nursery. The mother is queen of that realm and sways a scepter more potent than that of kings or priests." ~Author Unknown

"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie." ~Tenneva Jordan

"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life."~Abraham Lincoln

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh

"For the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world." ~ William Ross Wallace

i thought this one was pretty funny: "It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't." ~Barbara Kingsolver (lol!!)


Jen McCoonnell said...

Oh Lizzy, well said. Such a writer, what a gift and you use it well.

My name is Courtney. said...

I agree with Jen, Well Said! Love reading your lovely perspective on life. Gleaned much. Thank you friend. :)

cheryl said...

cracking up about the windsheild wiper!! oh how i LOVE being pregnant!!

and i had just been thinking "once this is over, things will be nice.." and trial after trial kept coming and by the grace of God i realized that i was supposed to not be looking for that day when life was easy (really i was looking for heaven on earth!) but to love Jesus and walk iwith the Spirit and rejoicing in Him THROUGH the trials! thanks for sharing your thoughts and those quotes! perfect! love you!