Pure Sweetness

Thank you, Miss Bethany, for my crocheted cap. I love it.

please click: K's 'Newborn' pictures to view image (then click on image again once in flickr to enlarge or leave comments). a lil 'sneak peak' of Kathryn's first photo shoot w/ mommy. more coming soon!

Kathryn's Birth Story

i write this as my vintage-looking kitchen clock peacefully ticks time away, a golden table lamp infuses warmth throughout my cozy living room, and the rather arrhythmic breathing of a little soul fresh from heaven lulls me into my happy place: 'writerland' (kinda like 'wonderland' for those of us who love to 'do life' through the medium of a pen & paper...or a laptop keyboard, in my case).

let me set a disclaimer for this post: my story here is simply a personal journey that i would like to share with anyone interested in reading. it's not meant to be read as a persuasive argument for the benefits of natural birth or a post on how to labor the 'Bradley Way' or why i think modern-day hospitals with all their rules & regulations can actually be a very possible venue for a gentle, natural birth with a little know-how and homework. the fact is, every expectant mother has to find her own 'comfort zone' when it comes to birthing her precious children. Some of you bring forth your children strictly in the comfort of your own home, some of you birth at a birthing center or midwifery wing attached to a hospital, and some of you decide that the mainstream hospital delivery room is the best route. Some of you have epidurals, some of you don't. Those personal preferences are just that - personal. In sharing with you my birthing experience (the first of many to come, Lordwilling!) I want you to know that I am simply doing so out of a heart to recount the story of my precious daughter coming into the world and how the Lord was magnified in the process. That said, let's get to it! here goes...

all along, I thought my due date was February 26th. that's what i was told at both of my ultrasounds and never really heard anything different until my regular OB appt on Thursday, 2/23 when the nurse assistant casually commented, "It looks like all systems go for your big day next Sunday, March 4!" I was initially taken aback but then actually relieved that my due date was moved back instead of up. She also casually mentioned that my main doctor was out of town until sometime in early March and a doctor from an entirely different practice (whom I had never met) was on call in her place during that time. Cassandra, my midwife, would be available for deliveries during her regular days ~ Tuesday & Thursday. I left feeling a bit out of sorts and tempted to be anxious, envisioning my baby being born under the care of a doctor I didn't know from Adam much less one who had no idea of my strong desire to experience a natural birth (also one that was as "medically-noninvasive-as-possible").

Luke & I prayed for wisdom and gave it up to the Lord. I had a few specific prayer requests along in my pregnancy: 1) that Cassandra my midwife would be on call when I went into labor 2) that I could get the delivery room with the tub 3) that I wouldn't tear 4) that my Bradley Class Instructor, Kristina, would be available to be our doula. in light of prayer request #1, I decided to begin taking evening primrose oil (upon Cassandra's recommendation) 3x's a day orally to begin gently preparing my body for labor. Unlike castor oil (which I was not against trying but was going to make it my very LAST resort before artificial inducement was imminent), evening primrose oil does not 'put' a woman into labor but instead helps augment the preparation process for the cervix that leads to onset of labor. I took the evening primrose for about four days with no visible changes. I had been having a good amount of Braxton-Hicks and the beginnings of the 'real' contractions for a few days leading up to Labor Day but didn't think anything of it, really. on Wednesday, 2/29, Luke took off work and we had a lovely day together ~ taking a walk, reading together, just being together. We attended our church community group that evening @ Panera with friends and I felt great. As we parted ways after the meeting was over, one of our friends said, "See you Sunday! on second thought, no we won't because you're gonna have this baby!" I laughed and didn't think much of it. I just felt like I was going to be pregnant forever - moms, you can relate to this feeling, I'm sure! haha!

I had not been sleeping much in the weeks leading up to delivery due to so much pressure on my bladder from Little Girl Grant's presence. Hence, I was visiting the bathroom for what seemed like every 20 minutes throughout the night! That Wednesday night was no different. I came home, took a shower, and was in bed by 11:00. Didn't fall alseep until 1:30 and at 2:45, I woke up to what I can only describe as a 'warm gush'. Thankfully, I had heeded the advice of friends and placed a chuck's pad under my fitted sheet. it worked great! my bag of waters was perfectly clear (no meconium) and I was Group B strep negative, so no need to rush off to the hospital. at this point, a sudden mix of emotions swirled in my gut - excitement, bittersweet realization that life was about to change drastically and never be the same again, a tinge of nervousness, anticipation, joy, tender nostalgia at the thought of my belly going away and no longer being able to feel all those delightful 'squirms' every evening and early morning (baby's most active times within the womb). Since my water broke, I also realized with thankfulness that it was Thursday - the day Cassandra was on call for deliveries! (answered prayer #1).

I decided that it would be best not to wake Luke, since one of us needed to be well rested for the adventure ahead! at around 3am, I took a shower and shaved my legs (ahh, felt so good!), did the laundry, finished packing all my bags, paid the bills, dropped off the rent, ran the dishwasher and unloaded it, touched up the house, watered my plants, took a power walk, and made breakfast - all between 3am-7am!! my contractions started at about 5:30ish and were 10 minutes apart. by 8:00ish, they were 7 minutes apart and growing stronger. by 9:30am, they were quite intense/painful and 5 minutes apart. Luke made a healthy lunch of scrambled eggs and apple slices with cheddar cubes. Since my water broke, I drank at least 2 liters of fluids every 2 hours. I labored on a birthing ball graciously lent to me by another Coastie wife. I labored in bed, in the shower, and took a lovely (yet intense!!) walk with Luke to our development's main pool overlooking the Bay when they were about 4 min. apart. I began really crying (sobbing, really) as the hormones coursed through my body, preparing it to bring forth our precious little one. Luke gently rubbed my lower back (I had bad back labor the entire time) while I poured out my soul to the Lord. I was fearful and anxious about not being able to birth my baby within the 'time limit' the hospital sets upon laboring women whose waters have broken (I thought it was 24hrs but came to later find out our hospital has an 18hr policy before they implement a bunch of medical procedures such as a septic work-up for baby). I also just felt so weak and out of control...so utterly dependent upon my Lord. The Holy Spirit really began ministering to me at this point. I dried my eyes, continued to focus of 'riding out' the ever increasing waves of contractions, and relaxed in Luke's strong, tender arms.

At 3:00pm (twelve hours later), Luke calmly announced it was Time. that Time had finally come. I had dreamt of it, dreaded it, and everything in between. It was HERE, staring me in the face. There was no turning back. The time to go to the place where my daughter would be born into this world.

What a thought.

I said I wasn't ready but considering I was contracting every 2-3 minutes, he gently insisted ;) Of course, we hit every - I mean EVERY - red light. and for those who live in this area, don't we all just love the snowbirds who grace our area this time of year with their 'extra cautious' driving habits?! How we managed to get behind what seemed like every single one of those slow-poke snowbirds on McMullen Booth Blvd. was beyond me! we finally arrived and i was triaged - 6cm dilated, 100% effaced. I thought, 'Great! we're gonna have this baby in the next hour or two tops! piece o' cake!!" We were led to our delivery room - an inviting, spacious room and got settled in with our doula, Kristina (answered prayer #2). the next 3 1/2 hours seem like a blur in my memory - i know i labored in the shower, on the bed, even on the floor on all fours. Luke swore he massaged my back for hours on end, but I seriously don't remember that part! haha! I just remember feeling restless, like i couldn't get comfortable. I remember feeling intense pressure down there and feeling like the Lord would bring me to a threshhold of 'pain' only to bring me down again - in other words, He never gave me more than I could handle. I labored hard for 3 hours and then hit transition at around 6:00 with my whole body shaking for about 20 minutes and a few very hard contractions where i felt her head moving down the birth canal. i wouldn't describe it as painful necessarily but very intense!

it was incredible to literally 'obey' my body's cues in telling me what to do to bring forth my precious child. after transition, i just had this overwhelming feeling to get on all fours and bear down to push. the nurse checked me and her head was right there about to crown. I began pushing with my contractions as they washed over me with force every 5 minutes. I think I liked the pushing stage over labor. it just felt like such a surge of relief after every time i pushed. after about an hour of pushing, i suddenly became so weak and exhausted. I had not been sleeping well at all for the weeks leading up to this day and hadn't slept basically at all the three previous nights. i felt like i was running on fumes at this point. i tried a few different positions but nothing felt as comfortable as just being on all fours! ;D after awhile, I just became so discouraged at my apparent lack of progress and my contractions slowed WAY down from 5 minutes apart to 10 minutes apart to 20 minutes and then i lost all urge to push even though her head was 'right there'. it was the craziest thing! I sensed a darkness come over me as i was tempted to feel defeated and just throw in the towel. "After all this, i'm gonna have to give up," i thought. I was tempted toward panic and fear of not being able to push my baby out on my own. On the flip side, I was relieved to have such a loving, supportive birth team in addition to being in a place that had all the necessary equipment and procedures to aid in my efforts, if need be. I couldn't speak more highly of the hospital where Kathryn was born. It's one of a handful of 'baby friendly' hospitals in the nation and it showed. They were so respectful of our birth plan and preferences, supportive, KIND, and overall AMAZING!!

Anyway, I began crying out to God to help me and Luke also laid his hands on me and prayed over me and our child who was about to enter the world. It was truly a holy moment in that delivery room. My wonderful doula and sweet friend, Kristina, also prayed and spoke Scripture over me in my ear. At one point, I heard one of the nurses quietly mention that they were going to get the vacuum ready. That got me going! haha! My contractions returned and the Lord gave me a vision of running a race where He was standing at the finish line, cheering for me! He clearly spoke this scripture to my heart in those vulnerable moments...

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ~ Heb. 12:1 after 2 1/2 hours of pushing (i realize many of you out there have gone much longer - my hats off to you!!), I had a few strong contractions and a surge of energy from the Lord that brought forth my child. Luke caught her. Man, it was the most amazing feeling of RELIEF as she came into this world! I felt such a surge of 'feel good' hormones and adrenalin as the midwife said, 'Here she is! You can lift up your daughter!' I looked down at this still-wet, pink, squirming perfect little body. eyes bright and looking all around, her sweet pink lips open and ready to eat! ;) She latched on right away and we had a precious bonding time as a family. I was so caught up in the bliss of being a brand new mom to this little bundle of life on my chest that I didn't realize I was beginning to hemorrhage. I was given a dose of cytotec and was again grateful for the expert, loving care of my midwife and entire nursing staff assigned to Kathryn & me. The Lord was very kind in caring for us through these wonderful women so well trained in their profession. Getting back to that heavenly moment of lifting up my child. I couldn't help but think of two things... ...how my Savior, in a sense, 'labored' on my behalf to bring me to new life. to cause me to be 'born again' as it says in the Word. of course, I wasn't dying for anyone's sins, but i think there is a beautiful analogy to be had of a woman laboring intensely so that her child could have life much like how Jesus experienced such sacrifice and pain in giving us true LIFE. What love. For the first time in my life, in that moment of lifting up my firstborn child to my heart, I felt like my eyes were opened in the most real sense i've ever had of the deep LOVE Jesus has for me as expressed through what He endured on my behalf. It brought me to tears more than once. ...the second thing Kathryn's birth opened my eyes to was how the Father's love is so unconditional for His precious children. My daughter was just there, lying helpless at my knees until I lifted her to my heart. She was utterly helpless, incapable of caring for herself, so tiny, so fragile, so vulnerable. Because of Jesus, the Father scooped me up out of darkness and helplessness and now holds me, His blood-bought daughter, close to His heart. Much like my precious daughter who was just lying there fresh from the womb, I did nothing to merit His love. nothing to deserve it. My daughter eats, cries, poops, sleeps. She doesn't try to earn my love, yet I would give my very life for her in a moment. no questions asked. I love her with a fierce, heart-piercing love that i've never felt for someone before. That's how God loves me. He set His unconditional, unending, unrelenting, undeserving favor and enthusiastic LOVE upon me and yes, he DID give His life for me two thousand years ago on that bloody cross. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." Again... What love. so the only birthing tub at the hospital happened to be broken and there were a few other unexpected twists in the road but when it was all said and done, my birth experience was not this neatly packaged up little ordeal that went perfectly according to my 'birth plan'. it was BETTER than that because it was God's perfect plan. yes, it was more painful and lasted much longer than i anticipated but it was raw. it was intense. and it was absolutely beautiful. and for that, i wouldn't have changed anything. God led me on a journey of casting myself utterly upon Him and feeling my desperation for His strength like never before... ...and there's no better place to be in, right? I posted it awhile ago but I'm posting it again. it's so true: "The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~ Rajneesh i'm a mother now. can't believe it but it's true and i can't imagine life any other way.

my (amazing!) midwife, Cassandra, and our little family

morning after birth

our little beauty, Kathryn Sophia

(more pics to come, promise!)

October Baby...

oh, yes. i will be seeing this movie.

....because EVERY life is precious.

She's HERE!!!

our little one is here! thank you for all of your faithful prayers and loving support.

let the fun begin!

Kathryn Sophia Grant

born Thursday, March 1, 9:00pm

7lb, 9oz ~ 19" long

Kathryn ~ 'purity'

Sophia ~ 'wisdom'

many more pics and our birth story coming soon!!

stay tuned!

Life out of Death

i recently saw this book on my friend Bethany's fb wall and was immediately attracted to its title & cover illustration. with all the pregnancy, breastfeeding, and mothering/parenting books my prego brain has been devouring these past nine months, i've since taken a rather lovely hiatus from them to just get more into the Word, to catch up on a few 'spiritual books' including one posted about HERE, and lastly to put some fun mystery novels (yay for Agatha Christie!!) "under my ever-expanding belt" :) Very excited to dig into this new book and also to participate in giving something up for Lent*.

but here's the cool thing...when i received the book in the mail today (found it HERE for $1.89 - check it out!), I found an old newspaper clipping on the inside cover that i'm going to assume the previous owner had lovingly kept there for the next reader. it spoke to my heart and i pray it does yours today, as well:

In the midst of a hectic life with deadlines and meetings and sickness and stress, life can start to pile up on us. If we are not careful, some of the problems we face can seem to become insurmountable. If we were really honest, we would admit that it seems some of the challenges we are facing are even too hard for God. Not so. Remember, if Jesus can overcome death, there is nothing He can't overcome. Nothing you are facing is bigger than God.

Jesus was dead for two days, then on the third day, He rose from the grave. It is just like God to take something that is dead and bring it back to life. Is there something in your life that was once alive but has since died? Maybe you have lost your ambition, or a friendship went sour, or a marriage that was once thriving is dying. God is still in the business of taking things that have no life and breathing new life into them. Don't give up! Take it to Jesus and lay it at His feet. Tell Him, 'I don't know how to fix this. I need your help. I need your resurrection power in my life and in this situation." Give Him a chance to show His power.

*i've never participated in giving something up for Lent before due to not wanting to be legalistic and simply trying to see if i can do something in my own strength. but that's just it - i can't do anything apart from Him in my own strength and thanks be to God for freedom and GRACE! :) too often this whole Lent thing (or really anything 'righteous' we try attempt in our own strength) can easily be something done out of a legalistic/works based mindset - that's why i haven't participated in the past. but just like fasting from food, i guess that's how I felt like the Lord spoke to me personally about it - i can choose to 'fast' in a sense from something that brings me comfort and instead cry out to Him during those moments to look unto Him and be freshly reminded of what He's done for me, especially during this holy season of reflecting upon the days leading up to his trials, torments, and ultimate death on the Cross in my place. i will fail, i will not walk it out perfectly, and i might even give myself one night a week to enjoy something sweet (cuz otherwise I might go crazy and just give up altogether! lol!). but the MAIN THING is, it has to be something the Lord speaks to each person about personally and specifically. to do something out of compulsion in vain effort to try to please God or out of peer pressure is not the right motive - i think it all boils down to personal conviction.

I Will Be With You

Jesus Christ is with you in every pang that rips your heart and in every pain that tears your body. Do you feel the sorrows of poverty? Jesus said, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." (Matt. 8:20). Are you sorrowing? "Jesus wept" at Lazarus' tomb (John 11:35). Have you been slandered and hurt? He said, "Reproach has broken my heart, and I am full of heaviness" (Psalm 69:20). Have you been betrayed? Remember, He had a friend who sold him for the price of a slave (Matt. 26:15).

Every stormy sea that has tossed you has roared around His boat too. There is no adversity so dark, so deep, or so apparently pathless that you cannot discover the Crucified One's footsteps when you kneel. In the fires, in the rivers, in the cold night, and under the burning sun He cries:

Fear not I am with you, O be not dismayed,

For I am your God and will still give you aid:

I'll strengthen you, help you, and cause you to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call you to go,

The rivers of sorrow will not overflow,

For I will be with you, your trials to bless,

And sanctify to you your deepest distress.

When through fiery trials your pathway shall lie,

My grace all-sufficient shall be your supply

The flames shall not hurt you, I only design

Your dross to consume and your gold to refine.

~ Beside Still Waters, Charles H. Spurgeon, p. 139

Thankfulness, Psalm 1, Husband not Master

weird title, i know. i just had a few thoughts i wanted to post about and they have to do with Psalm 1, thankfulness for my fellow leadership team ladies @ church, and the book of Hosea.

first things first. this past week, our church women's ministry kicked off an amazing study of the Psalms. when i downloaded the Study Guide prepared by the dear women who serve alongside me, I was truly blown away. It was beautifully laid out, organized, so well written, Spirit filled, and just EXCITING! These very talented, godly women worked so hard to put this study together, and I was freshly humbled at the thought that I get to serve with them as they are much more gifted and capable than myself. Recently, someone posted on facebook something about humility is not about thinking less of yourself (because isn't that still focusing on yourself??) but rather, thinking more of Jesus and being in awe of Him. I want to be like that. as i have temporarily taken a backseat to leading for the sake of caring for our little one (due any day now! come on, baby!! we can't wait to meet you!), I am in awe of the Spirit working within our midst - raising up leaders, bringing forth good fruit, breaking hearts for His glory, rebuilding lives, revealing sin because He loves us and wants to beautify us as His precious daughters, mending relationships, cultivating sweet times of honest, open discussion, fellowship, making fun memories together, etc. I am truly in awe of HIM and HIS work in our lives - broken, messed up sinners as we are - but He sees us through His redeeming blood as whole, righteous, precious, loved, kept. We see through a glass dimly and only in part - He sees the final results and in that, I take comfort and joy. Thank you, Lord, that you are such a BIG GOD and you are actively at work in the lives of your precious saints throughout the world - be it in my precious childhood church back in Chesapeake, churches we attended in Pensacola & Corpus Christi during flight school days, or now in Pinellas County, FL. who knows? it may be a tiny church set against the rugged mountains of Kodiak Island, Alaska next! you never know! ah, life. what a beautiful adventure it can be when walking with Jesus!

on the topic of our Psalms study, we were instructed to read & meditate upon 10 Psalms per week. I began today with, of course, Psalm 1. As I read and re-read it, I felt like the Holy Spirit showed me a picture of a man or woman who starts out with great intentions but who is walking in their own strength, their flesh. They read the Word, attend church, and try to 'do' all the 'right things' but perhaps they are relying on their own resources and human resolve. from personal experience time and again(!!), this just doesn't work. no way, no how. Since temptation comes in such subtle forms, sometimes it's difficult to realize how far we've gone before it's too late. you see, at first we can walk toward that temptation into the trap of sin; then we stand and 'marinate' in it for awhile until we become desensitized to it; and finally, we sit in it - having given ourselves over in bondage to it, blinded by it. ouch.

let me show you what i'm referring to...

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. (v. 1)

when we listen to the world's advice or foolish talk, we are allowing ourselves to be informed by wrong counsel and we choose to walk in that direction. when we knowingly expose ourselves to sinful practices or people (meaning, unsaved influences we allow ourselves to be under) then we are standing in the way of sin - asking for it to come our way. finally, we can find ourselves steeped in that particular sin or sitting in it.

on the flip side, Jesus walked out a perfect life and sacrificial death in our place, He stood in the gap bridging man back unto God the Father through His blood, and finally He is now seated at the right hand of God since He proclaimed on our behalf, 'IT IS FINISHED!"

Thank you, Jesus!!! It's all about Him. again, taking our eyes off of ourselves and placing them increasingly upon His beautiful face. that's humility, that's true joy, that's genuine freedom.

Last thought for now is on the book of Hosea. Hosea was written by the prophet Hosea and basically recounts the very hard call God gave him to take an adulterous woman to be his wedded wife. It is a stark allegory of God's redeeming, unrelenting love for His people, Israel, (now includes us, His redeemed children) even in spite of their ugly prostitution to idols, repeated & stubborn rebellion, and gross lusts of the flesh. I've read this OT book a good number of times in my life and I have to admit, it had always been a bit obscure to me in the past. But last summer, I read a fictional novel based on this book called, Redeeming Love (blog post about it HERE) and it helped give me some clearer form & shape to this biblical account. Recently, I felt the Spirit leading me to re-read Hosea. As I was perusing its pages within my Bible yesterday under the sun's lulling rays (by the pool, no less! haha!), one verse pricked my heart like a little dagger. it was a good pain, but painful nonetheless. let me share the surrounding passage with you (the particular verse is italicized below):

"Therefore, I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

In that day, declares the Lord, you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master'." Hosea 2:14-16

wow. how much easier it is for my heart to think of God as 'my master' rather than my husband. why is it that i can more easily stomach the idea of being a slave to a master, albeit a kind master, rather than a vulnerable, exposed wife to a loving, wooing husband who simply accepts me for who I am? in my personal battle of the fear of self-preservation, i find it easier to check things off a box, to be servile rather than passionate and open, to be obedient to a list of rules or do's and dont's rather than allowing myself to know and be fully known by my Bridegroom who loves me and just wants to spend time with me.

it's easier for the human heart to respect & fear rather than love and be loved in the truest sense. legalism is tidy. it's dead but it's 'neat' and at least respectable, right? (well, at least it seems that way). unabashed abandonment of emotions - the most raw and deep being 'Love' - is messy. it involves letting your guard down completely; unveiling one's most personal hurts, dreams, hopes, desires, and yes, ....our greatest fears.

this kind of love that our Redeemer God, our Husband, is calling His Bride to is raw, penetrating, transforming. it's risky. it involves putting everything on the table at the risk of being lost in something greater than yourself and your ideals or expectations.

CS Lewis put it well:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

...how do you see God? as your benevolent Master merely tolerating you because of Jesus...or as your beloved Husband who is truly in love with you and excited about your life?

How do you honestly think He sees you today?